The Stupidty Chronicles: Volume 1, Chapter 1

Now, in this world, there are many morons. Then, there are supreme morons. Now, in some cases, people feel sorry for them and try to help them. In others, people laugh heartily at their plight. In the case described below, I happen to fall into both camps. As you read, you should try to figure out what camp you are in.

Today has been somewhat eventful, I would say. Started out, I had a job interview to take of. I went in, took care of it.

But afterwards, it took a turn for the pathetically hilarious. Now, I will tell you right now, that I feel sorry for the moron in question. You see, in this particular case, I am quite conflicted. I do feel sorry for the idiot but, at the same time, it is quite funny.

It starts out, Cyrano's mother demaned that he buy a new wallet to replace the one he uses, which he bought back in his 9th grade year. Which brings you to the heart of:

THE STUPIDITY CHRONICLES VOLUME 1: CHAPTER 1, WALLETS

Cyrano went into Spencers to buy a wallet, after being unable to find one he liked at Hot Topic. So he goes in, looks at an ICP wallet, puts it back and gets a completely different wallet.

We get back to his house and hang out for a while. After that, I start on my way home. It is about 6.30 to 6.45 by now. However, partway home, I get a call from Cyrano. He needs my help back at his house.

When I get there, I find out that he is a moron. It turns out that when he looked at the ICP wallet, or sometime before, he put his ID and health insurance card in the wallet he was planning to buy and then changed his mind. He walked away, leaving his cards in the unpurchased wallet!

Now, it has hit seven. He hopes to get to the mall and see if he can track it down before his mother gets home. So, he goes to write a note explaining his stupidity, we start to head out the door and what happens? His mother and sister drive up.

So, we sit there, listening to his family make jokes about his intelligence for a bit then head to the mall.

About the only thing we accomplished was giving a couple of clerks at Spencers and Hot Topic a new experience. They didnt want to take us seriously at first but they quickly realized, we were in fact quite serious, no matter how hard I was laughing. We spent some more time hunting through wallets. In the end, throughout the entire day, Skittlez had been in Spencers 6 times, while I was at 7.

Finally, we left the mall at 8 and got home. On the way to his house, he decides to call Sam because he is quite sure that he will be dead by morning. So, they talk. She scolds his stupidity. He walks into a tree and gets a branch in the eye. He doesnt care anymore.

Crossing the street, he nearly gets hit by a truck. He thinks that this would be a good thing as he will not have to think about this little wallet mishap. Wrong! His health insurance card is in the renegade wallet. And it turns out that he has a doctors appointment tomorrow, where he will need the missing health insurance card.

If he is still alive tomorrow, he is going in for a new ID. His family does not know about the health insurance card. He plans to never be sick or injured.

I am posting this at his request because he does not like writing about his own stupidity. If anyone sees his missing cards, please give them to me so I can pass them along.

And, Cyrano, at Nekocon, I am not responsible for anything you misplace. You lose it, your fault.
This chapter has been approved by C. Moore and H. Hall

written: August 21, 2006

The Stupidity Chronicles: Da Rules

I have receive so many requests to become a chapter in the Chronicles that I feel that I need to lay down a few rules. However, these rules are completely arbitrary and can be ignored if I feel the story is worth it.

When I first typed up Cyrano's story, I had named it the way I did for the purpose of being a smartass. However, the response has led me to believe that this could be worth keeping the joke running. It has now become my wish to see the Chronicles continue until I finish at least one volume. Thirty chapters.

So, what are the rules?

Rule #1: The moment must be uncharacteristically stupid and betray all common sense. This means that if you are the type of person who consistently does stupid things then your moment must be monumentally stupid. This rule will be ignored if the moment is considered to be just the right mix of pathetic, stupid and funny to warrant the sympathetic laughs that this work is aimed to draw.

Rule #2: I must be present and somehow involved. This rule is in place for the simple fact that I need to have a good deal of the facts of the moment so that I can properly relate it to the people who are only learning of the incident through The Chronicle. Grounds for ignoring this rule are details on this moment can be readily and fully recalled from the people involved.

Rule #3: The incident will only be posted if all people involved are in full agreement. I do not wish to have someone unwillingly embarrassed. I do not think that this rule is entirely necessary but I am including it for the sake of legality. The only reason for ignoring this rule comes to: Do I like you? Can I tolerate you? Are you on my friends list?

Rule #4: The incident must not be well known at the time of posting. The purpose of the Chronicles is to inform and highlight spectacular moments of stupidity. It is not for beating a dead horse, and hopefully, it will never be guilty of that. The only consideration this rule will get is if the incident is well known but the facts are not.

Rule #5: If said moment results in a felony or the death of the subject and/or an animal, it will not be posted under any circumstances. While I do enjoy the Darwin Awards, this is not a part of the Darwin Awards. I do not find death or criminal activity to be particularly funny. You, my readers, will just have to live with this decision as I do not plan to change it.

Rule #6: By agreeing to having your moment posted, you also agree that I have free reign to mock you over said moment for the rest of your mortal life, or eternal life if the Christians end up being right. Also, you agree that I may publish said moment anywhere I choose. The second half of this agreement will be assumed to be in effect if not directly requested otherwise.

Rule #7: All planned moments will be rejected outright. These Chronicles are for natural acts of stupidity and all premeditation undercuts that goal.

These rules are subject to updates pending future situations and needs. Be sure to check here frequently to see if any changes have been posted.

If you know of any past moments that fit within this limitations, please IM me, send me an email or just send a message over MySpace. I will also accept these type of contributions in person. However, I am the final say on what is posted. Contributions received in this manner will be posted if I am unable to acquire Chronicle-worthy stupidity in my normal life.

Contributions by: H. Apple and C. Moore.

written: August 24, 2006.